The Carrot and the Stick


We have a constant dynamic.  It’s not 24/7 full discipline like you see in movies, but it is a dynamic that has elements that are “always on.”  She is always submissive, I am always the Dominant.  The only time this is not in effect is when we do bills, or deal with our kids.  She has a day collar that looks like jewelry, it only comes off for showers, medical procedures, or when I remove it to put her play collar on.  I also track her chores and behavior to a standard we negotiated together.  

Keeping my eye on her, and her knowing that I am always watching, waiting to add a “click” to my counter, means that we are both always thinking of one another.  Our dynamic, which feeds into our intimacy is always on our minds.   We started this five years ago and the second honeymoon it initiated has not run out yet.  Though there are challenges. 

I often joke with my submissive that she can be frustrating to deal with because she is such a good girl.  If she were more of a brat, I would have more reasons to discipline her.  This would give me more to work with as I engineered the next scene. But she is a good girl.  Her daily tasks are never neglected and she rarely crosses the line.  I hardly ever get to click the counter up one more strike.  There are times that I have had to resort to finding and counting soap spots on the steak knives just to have something to click through.  

Luckily, negative reinforcement is not the only option out there.  Our dynamic is a lovely balance of the Carrot as well as the Stick.  

The Stick

Like I said above and like many Hollywood depictions of this kind of relationship, we have plenty of sticks.  

We have broad heavy “Whump” sticks. 
We have small stingy “Pat” sticks
We have sticks that have many leather thongs coming from one side for a “Fwap” sound
We have the kind of sticks with a leather loop at the end you use for Horseback that makes a “snap” sound

Each one of our sticks was negotiated, purchased together, and calibrated for use.   In addition to the literal sticks, we have a number of other “negative reinforcements” that I may choose to impose in a scene as punishment for some infraction.  Typically we work on a points system.  Individual small infractions get one “click” on the counter.  Each click equals one strike with a stick.  At five clicks, I add one of the other punishments to spice things up.  Like the sticks, each of these punishments has been pre-negotiated and carefully designed to respect limits. It is important that a dynamic remain rewarding, even when you are providing the opposite of a reward.   Our goal is to enhance our intimacy, so nothing we use as a punishment is actually something that she would consider “torture”  

Designing a list of punishments for a dynamic can be a delicate balance between “Will this motivate” vs “Will this cause resentment, excessive discomfort, or harm?”  For this reason, a list of punishments for a dynamic must always be discussed and carefully negotiated often within a healthy dynamic.   Your punishments may look 1000 ways different from ours.   That said, here are some punishment ideas that we either use ourselves or have discussed.  

  • Ben-Wa balls. - She must have them in for one hour per issue of this punishment.   This is potential, a nice pre-scene warmup 
  • Lashes - as said above, every click of my counter means one lash in the scene.  Five lashes mean an additional punishment gets added.  Adding a new punishment does not reduce the lash count.   If she has 15 lashes, she gets 15 lashes and 3 additional punishments.  
  • 5 minutes ball-gag - Unlike the movies, the ball-gag can get uncomfortable over long periods of time, so I chop it into 5-minute chunks and do not stack them too high.  Even then, it may be a good idea to look into “whiffle-ball” type gags to help preserve airflow. 
  • Add one restraint - In our sessions, we often take on different roles, not every role has the full set of restraints in play.   This punishment adds a restraint type to a costume that wouldn’t normally have it.  For example, the innocent all-white outfit suddenly includes wrist cuffs.  
  • Kneel on Rice 5 minutes - Not comfortable but not damaging.  Kneeling on dry rice can be very trying.  Again, It is a good idea to limit the duration of this to avoid getting into some hurt feelings territory. 
  • Bound position 5 minutes - Fill in the blanks on what that position is.   It is usually something that is not comfortable, but also not painful either, just a tough spot or possibly a predicament your submissive will have to endure till the clock runs out.  
  • Edge and deny 10 minutes - If you know your sub’s thresholds very well, this can be a fiendish punishment.   Bring them right to the edge and back off, again, and again, and again till the time runs out.   OR .. If you are into Orgasm control, just stimulate for 10 minutes straight but tell them that they are not allowed to cum till the time is up.  If they cum early, add another punishment.. Even this one again.  
  • No Hands - For the duration of a scene, the submissive will not be able to use hands.  They are either taped up into fists, (Use bondage tape, not something from Lowes) or encased in mittens.  
  • Occupied - The submissive must have SOMETHING inside them from the time they start preparing for the scene until the scene ends.   This could be a vibrator, dildo, butplug or part of the Dominant,  the point is that at least one hole is always occupied. 
  • Going Stealth - This one is actually outside the bedroom.   It’s a day out on the town while wearing a stealth remote control vibrator that the Dominant has control over.  
  • Writing Lines - Like grade school, the submissive has to write a sentence or paragraph repeatedly.  I prefer to make it instructional "I serve, I submit, I obey x100" 

The point of our punishment system is to provide motivation and consequences while not making the dynamic or the scene unpleasant.  Having to edge for 10 minutes is frustrating,  you soon regret whatever got you into that position, but when that release finally comes, you will be happy you did it.  

I do want to talk about negotiation and safety.   Our list used to have a “one bar” prison on this list.   This is a single bar of adjustable height that has a dildo on the end.   When extended up into the vagina of someone who is standing above it, they cannot get off and are stuck in place.  In theory and in porn, it looks very hot.  In practice, we quickly determined that without significant redesign, this device is inherently unsafe.   

This determination came about through the use of a safeword followed by a serious conversation.   The point is, especially around punishments, always be negotiating and always be listening to your partner.  

The Carrot

When your submissive is a good girl, the Carrot is often the primary tool in your kit.  While I track “lashes” for negative behavior, I am also tracking points for positive behavior.   Through an online app on our phones, she keeps up with a list of tasks each day.  Very few of these tasks carry a negative consequence if they are not done, but all of them can earn points.  The tasks can be simple household chores like 

“Do the dishes” - 2 points 

Or they can dip into a more erotic subject 

“Make me cum without being asked” - 20 points. 

The point is that my submissive has the opportunity to earn points any time she likes.  With those points, she can purchase a number of rewards.   Like punishments, rewards may be personal, so they should be negotiated within each dynamic, but like with punishments, I will offer a list of ideas that you and your partner may enjoy.  

  • Pass - The submissive gets to skip one punishment in the next scene.  They can use it ahead of the scene or when the punishment is about to be applied.  
  • Foot-rub, back-rub, full-body massage - Cost scales with the level of effort. 
  • Change roles - Pick a different role-play scenario for the session 
  • Freebie - If the dynamic includes Orgasm control, this allows the sub one unsanctioned orgasm without punishment 
  • Movie night - Not a scene, just a night together where the submissive picks the movie 
  • Movie Out - Same as movie night but it's in a theater.  

My submissive tries to keep a couple of these as well as a healthy point pool on hand at all times.  By the same token, I am trying to “burn through” her rewards as much as I can so she will want to earn more.   


The points, lashes, punishments, and tasks can all be tracked in a number of ways.  We have been using a phone app called “Obedience” for a while now.   There are other daily-chore apps for your phone that may also work though Obedience is designed specifically for BDSM dynamics.  

I am also a big fan of the handheld click-counter.   The sound alone gets associated with our spicy fun and acts as an immediate sign to my submissive that she just did something wrong. 

It is also a very good idea to have a separate messaging app for just you and your partner.   The last thing you want to do is think you are sexting your partner and realize too late that you just sent that naughty meme to aunt Mabel.   Again, Obedience (I swear they are not paying me) can do this, but there are 1000 apps out there for messaging.  The important thing is that YOU KNOW exactly who and what you are sending.  

Combining the carrot and the stick, our dynamic is constantly on our minds and as such, we have a tough time staying off each other.  

Stay Kinky

Stay Safe!  


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