Dominant Thoughts

  In the matter of sex toys in the bedroom, Toxic Masculinity holds us back!   “Oh, Shit” I can already hear some readers thinking. “Ray has gone Woke”   Well, to be honest, I always have been, but I am also thinking about how Toxic masculinity works against us as men.     You see, we get told a lot of bullshit growing up.   We are told that sex is an act of conquest.  We are told that women don’t like to have sex and we have to convince them  We are told that our worth as men is partially measured by the frequency we get a woman into bed.  and  We are told that we need to be self-reliant and self-sufficient  These lies all work to damage our sexual relationships in very real ways.   Because we see sex as an act of conquest where we are convincing women to do something they don’t like, we have trouble fully grasping the importance of consent.   Let me make something clear.  Most women lik...

 At the beginning of every month, my partner and I will put the kids to bed, and then sit down to pay the bills.  This is not fun, or exciting and it would be much easier if one of us just went ahead and took care of it in between the other things they do all day. However, we do this because so many relationships are torn apart over financial conflicts.  By doing our bills together, we are both fully aware of where our money is going and take the time to discuss our financial goals and decisions.   As a result, we do not fight about money as we both know all there is to know about what we have and where it is spent.   By doing the work we have avoided one of the biggest pitfalls in any relationship.   We do the same thing with our intimacies.  We do the work, and it pays off. We have always played with a little bondage in the bedroom, but it was about seven years ago that we turned that play into our dynamic.  A dynamic in which we ...

  If you asked if our dynamic is 24/7 I would have to say no, and yes. See, it’s not a yes/no question.   Yes, something is always on. No, It’s not like you read in Erotic books.    Yes, there are daily tasks and protocols that she follows.  For most of these, we looked at her daily routine and just attached points to the things she wanted to remind herself to do each day.   For example, She is supposed to be up and dressed by a certain time.  This is an easy enough ask during the school year when the kids need to get to class and we are both up by 0600, but, on weekends and the summer, this rule helps keep her motivated.   She and I are both night owls, and if left to our own, we would stay up to all hours and then sleep through lunch.   I have a job that expects me to respond to emails and attend meetings by 9 am.  However, she is a stay-at-home mom, by putting a “Dressed by” rule in place, she has a reason within the dynamic to k...

 THE CARROT AND THE STICK We have a constant dynamic.  It’s not 24/7 full discipline like you see in movies, but it is a dynamic that has elements that are “always on.”  She is always submissive, I am always the Dominant.  The only time this is not in effect is when we do bills, or deal with our kids.  She has a day collar that looks like jewelry, it only comes off for showers, medical procedures, or when I remove it to put her play collar on.  I also track her chores and behavior to a standard we negotiated together.   Keeping my eye on her, and her knowing that I am always watching, waiting to add a “click” to my counter, means that we are both always thinking of one another.  Our dynamic, which feeds into our intimacy is always on our minds.   We started this five years ago and the second honeymoon it initiated has not run out yet.  Though there are challenges.  I often joke with my submissive that she can be frustratin...

  Once in a while, we get away for the kids for a night, or even a weekend away.  When this rare treat presents itself, it can be a fun time to turn the dynamic up to 11.  We call them protocol nights, though sometimes they can go all day.  It is a time when we can really stretch out our wings and let the kink sweep us away.  We don't do it every time we go out.  If we did, I fear it would make this feel like expected behavior and at the same time it would make the experience less special.  It's important that we have "vanilla" evenings out as well.  But this is not a Blog about vanilla experiences.    A protocol night is special.  It is a night out where she devotes herself to her submission and a night where I am careful to keep my eyes and ears open as a dominant.  It is a kind of pre-scene foreplay because, when we do a protocol night, the scene that follows is always amazing!   Different kinksters will have diffe...

My wife and I were married for 12 years before we got into a Dominant/submissive BDSM dynamic. NEITHER of us had experience so we stumbled along the way. Especially with excessive enthusiasm in the beginning. One of the early pitfalls you can fall into as you explore kink is frenzy. I have seen it called "sub frenzy" but it can happen to Dominants too. In Frenzy, your enthusiasm for this newly discovered thing seems to take over. Caution, reason, and context can too easily take a back seat as you endeavor to try everything, pushing boundaries, and stretching your own limits. Its important you try and recognize the difference in yourself between being enthusiastic and being in frenzy.   When my good girl and I started in kink, we went all in, with full Master/slave protocol and con tracts.  We had not done our research beyond watching 50 shades and some porn. As you can imagine, trying to go from vanilla into a 24/7 TPE unresearched dynamic didn’t take long to blow up o...

So, at some point or another in one's kink journey, they go through the "research" phase.    This is when you start scoping out for all the kink content you can find to help you get a better understand, or just expand your horizons.    This is excellent!  Research is extremely important to being safe.   Hopefully you have read about SSC (Safe Sane Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink).  In reading up on these you have learned how important it is to go into any Kink activity, fully aware and prepared.    Now you have an idea of what you are looking for!  This is great.   How does your partner feel?   Oh...  You haven't talked to your partner yet?  Believe me, I understand that outing yourself to your partner can be intimidating.  Sure you can say "lets spice things up" but that could mean 1000x different things.   For your partner "spice it up" might mean "lets do it on a week ...

My wife and I were married and vanilla for over 10 years.  Suddenly the cork popped and we dove head first into this spicy journey. While making love, I tried something new, I pinned her wrists over her head. She said "tie them."   What followed was an open and honest conversation about our desires, confessing things we were keeping to ourselves because we thought they would freak out the other person.  The whole time we had ben together, I had suppressed the urge to tie her up and dominate her, thinking that she would take offense. At the same time, she had been hiding her desire to be restrained and used, thinking I was too modern for such ideas. In that conversation, we discovered that we had very compatible kinks. Over the next few months, we, through some trial and error, found ourselves in to our roles. We have been refining this dynamic for five years now. Today we have a rewarding and satisfying dynamic. It has moved beyond the bedroom and, elements ...