24/7 in the real world

 If you asked if our dynamic is 24/7 I would have to say no, and yes.

See, it’s not a yes/no question.  

Yes, something is always on.

No, It’s not like you read in Erotic books.  

Yes, there are daily tasks and protocols that she follows.  For most of these, we looked at her daily routine and just attached points to the things she wanted to remind herself to do each day.  

For example, She is supposed to be up and dressed by a certain time.  This is an easy enough ask during the school year when the kids need to get to class and we are both up by 0600, but, on weekends and the summer, this rule helps keep her motivated.   She and I are both night owls, and if left to our own, we would stay up to all hours and then sleep through lunch.   I have a job that expects me to respond to emails and attend meetings by 9 am.  However, she is a stay-at-home mom, by putting a “Dressed by” rule in place, she has a reason within the dynamic to keep similar hours to me.   

We have similar rules around other household chores too.  

We also use the dynamic as motivation to be healthier.  Every time her fit-bit records 30 minutes of exercise, she gets a reward. This has led to more frequent trips to the gym for both of us as I’m happy to join her.  

She is never punished for not doing something on the list,  it’s about motivation, not gotchas.  Punishments are actually “Funishments” and they come into play when a task is not done well.  Spots on the dishes are one of my favorite things to hunt for.  Otherwise, we only apply them when she is “Being bratty” which is sometimes just what people in a BDSM dynamic consider flirtation.  

In this way, our dynamic is just a kinky way to talk about motivation and mutual support.  

We do have more “sexy” items on the list, but we live in the real world, we have kids, and a career and we interact with our neighbors.  It would not be possible to practice the kind of 24/7 dynamic you read about in dirty books.  In fact, it would be irresponsible for us to attempt it with the responsibilities we currently have.  

With kids in the house, we need to be careful.  Entering into a D/s or M/s dynamic is an exchange that is chosen freely.  It’s only healthy and ethical if the two people begin as equals and consent to the roles.  There is more than enough patriarchal crap in our society that we have to keep deconstructing so we raise balanced human beings who see the value in everyone regardless of gender presentation.  If her submission was apparent to them, it would detract from that goal.  The last thing I would ever want is for our kids to think that a “submissive wife” is the default in society.  

For this reason, though I am keeping a quiet tally of rewards and punishments all the time, anyone observing us would consider us to be just an average vanilla couple.  

You would have to shop at the same BDSM Lifestyle online store to know that the necklace she always wears is actually a “Day collar.”  Only we know that she says “Honey” she means “Sir,” and when I say “unfortunate” I mean “You just earned a punishment.”  

Underneath our average daily suburban American interaction,  there is something that is always “On” between us.  Having this dynamic keeps our intimacy in the front of our minds.   The result is remarkable.  We have
been married for close to 20 years. Like all marriages, we have had our hot and our cool periods. While we always indulged in a bit of bondage and a bit of impact in the bedroom, it was only about four years ago that we began this dynamic. The impact has been astonishing! The truth is that "cold periods" seem to be a thing of the past! We have been more intimate now than we were as newlyweds, or even when we were dating!  What is more, the sex is better than you could imagine. Because we have freely accepted that we are kinky people, there is no more inhibition around the act itself. We communicate openly and bluntly about what we want, what we enjoy, and what we could do without. As a result, we are both far more successful as lovers in making sure the experience is fulfilling for both of us. Because we both enjoy ourselves, we are eager to do it again, giving us more practice and more knowledge of how to make it better the next time. This growth in skill and knowledge between generous lovers creates an ever deeper bond than the physical contact itself. The benefits behind a full-time dynamic go above and beyond the sex itself though. As I said, many of the 'rules and tasks' we have set up are oriented to goals my submissive has set for herself. She has become healthier as a result of the better diet and fitness rules within the dynamic. These are limits and goals we set together from the beginning, not something I imposed as oppressive enforcement of gender norms.

Because we take the time to talk openly about goals and what we are willing to do to achieve them, we communicate far more clearly than we had before the dynamic as well. All couples fight occasionally, however it has become much rarer than it used to be and when it does happen, we automatically shift into the "negotiation" framework and work our issue out practically.

There are, of course, areas that the dynamic does not touch.  As I said before, we have kids, when it comes to discussions about them, or in front of them, we are absolute equals.  It is far too important that their upbringing is from a balanced perspective, so nothing around the kids is ever allowed to be interfered with or influenced by the dynamic.  The same is true in any other family matters or in large financial decisions.   I cannot go out and just buy a truck because "I'm the Dominant and I say so!"  When it comes to the serious matters of marriage, we work as a team of equals, not in a hierarchy.  The dynamic is relegated to routine matters.  

"What should we do about the kid's college fund?" Is discussed between us as equals

"What color panties should I wear today, sir?" is answered by the Dominant.

So, in the way most people think of a 24/7 Dom/sub dynamic,  we don’t have that.   I would imagine such strict constant high protocol is very rare.  
What we do have is a 24/7 dynamic that has made our marriage richer and deepened our affection for one another.  
As I type this, the app we use to track points just went off letting me know that she has completed some task for a reward.  I always crack a little smile and think a dirty thought about her when I hear that chime.   

Stay Kinky
Stay Safe.   

Note: We use the Obedience App to track reward points, tasks and punishments.