Spice it up

So, at some point or another in one's kink journey, they go through the "research" phase.    This is when you start scoping out for all the kink content you can find to help you get a better understand, or just expand your horizons.   

This is excellent! 

Research is extremely important to being safe.   Hopefully you have read about SSC (Safe Sane Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink).  In reading up on these you have learned how important it is to go into any Kink activity, fully aware and prepared.   

Now you have an idea of what you are looking for!  This is great.   How does your partner feel?  


You haven't talked to your partner yet? 

Believe me, I understand that outing yourself to your partner can be intimidating.  Sure you can say "lets spice things up" but that could mean 1000x different things.   For your partner "spice it up" might mean "lets do it on a week night"  where you might mean .... something a lot more dirty.   (I tried to type an extreme example but it dipped into erotic Science-fiction) 

How do you break THAT ice?  

Luckily, there are a couple tools out there to help that conversation along.  

The BDSM Test  is a good conversation starter.   It's framed as an entertainment quiz and you can probably frame it as such "Hey honey, lets take this funny quiz and see what it says!" If you are realy sneaky, slip it in between a "What Hogwarts house are you?" and a "What's your desert" quiz.    Take the "Long form" the first time, when you finish, you each will have something that looks like this 

I'm telling on myself a little here, but the point is, you can look at these results and see where you and your partner have compatible kinks.   For example,  Someone who scores high as a "Rigger" is a great match for a "Rope Bunny"  
The important thing is, with these results as a frame, you can start to talk about what you are into more.  If it looks like your partner might be interested, congratulations, you are now "Negotiating" 

Now it's time to refine what you two are REALY into.  There are tools for that.    
Across the internet, there are a couple dozen "Kink checklists" or "BDSM checklists" that can help you and your partner get started on determining what is in bounds and what is off limits.   
@Sunnymegatron has a simple "Yes/No/Maybe" List that is a great intro.   
There is also This Spreadsheet which is far more detailed.   It might be intimidating to a newbie, but it is the one my partner and I use to frame our monthly renegotiations.  

Now that you have had the conversation, you can start talking about what that dynamic will look like.   Is it bedroom only?  Is it a 24/7 Total Power exchange? Is it something in between? Kink is 100% customizable so long as you respect the consent and the personhood behind the roles you each play.  

Good luck! 


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