Dominant Thoughts

  In the matter of sex toys in the bedroom, Toxic Masculinity holds us back!   “Oh, Shit” I can already hear some readers thinking. “Ray has gone Woke”   Well, to be honest, I always have been, but I am also thinking about how Toxic masculinity works against us as men.     You see, we get told a lot of bullshit growing up.   We are told that sex is an act of conquest.  We are told that women don’t like to have sex and we have to convince them  We are told that our worth as men is partially measured by the frequency we get a woman into bed.  and  We are told that we need to be self-reliant and self-sufficient  These lies all work to damage our sexual relationships in very real ways.   Because we see sex as an act of conquest where we are convincing women to do something they don’t like, we have trouble fully grasping the importance of consent.   Let me make something clear.  Most women like sex very much!   Because we measure our worth by sex, we tend to get very defensive and at times

 At the beginning of every month, my partner and I will put the kids to bed, and then sit down to pay the bills.  This is not fun, or exciting and it would be much easier if one of us just went ahead and took care of it in between the other things they do all day. However, we do this because so many relationships are torn apart over financial conflicts.  By doing our bills together, we are both fully aware of where our money is going and take the time to discuss our financial goals and decisions.   As a result, we do not fight about money as we both know all there is to know about what we have and where it is spent.   By doing the work we have avoided one of the biggest pitfalls in any relationship.   We do the same thing with our intimacies.  We do the work, and it pays off. We have always played with a little bondage in the bedroom, but it was about seven years ago that we turned that play into our dynamic.  A dynamic in which we now participate in some way almost 24/7.  The “transit

  If you asked if our dynamic is 24/7 I would have to say no, and yes. See, it’s not a yes/no question.   Yes, something is always on. No, It’s not like you read in Erotic books.    Yes, there are daily tasks and protocols that she follows.  For most of these, we looked at her daily routine and just attached points to the things she wanted to remind herself to do each day.   For example, She is supposed to be up and dressed by a certain time.  This is an easy enough ask during the school year when the kids need to get to class and we are both up by 0600, but, on weekends and the summer, this rule helps keep her motivated.   She and I are both night owls, and if left to our own, we would stay up to all hours and then sleep through lunch.   I have a job that expects me to respond to emails and attend meetings by 9 am.  However, she is a stay-at-home mom, by putting a “Dressed by” rule in place, she has a reason within the dynamic to keep similar hours to me.    We have similar rules arou

 THE CARROT AND THE STICK We have a constant dynamic.  It’s not 24/7 full discipline like you see in movies, but it is a dynamic that has elements that are “always on.”  She is always submissive, I am always the Dominant.  The only time this is not in effect is when we do bills, or deal with our kids.  She has a day collar that looks like jewelry, it only comes off for showers, medical procedures, or when I remove it to put her play collar on.  I also track her chores and behavior to a standard we negotiated together.   Keeping my eye on her, and her knowing that I am always watching, waiting to add a “click” to my counter, means that we are both always thinking of one another.  Our dynamic, which feeds into our intimacy is always on our minds.   We started this five years ago and the second honeymoon it initiated has not run out yet.  Though there are challenges.  I often joke with my submissive that she can be frustrating to deal with because she is such a good girl.  If she were mor

  Once in a while, we get away for the kids for a night, or even a weekend away.  When this rare treat presents itself, it can be a fun time to turn the dynamic up to 11.  We call them protocol nights, though sometimes they can go all day.  It is a time when we can really stretch out our wings and let the kink sweep us away.  We don't do it every time we go out.  If we did, I fear it would make this feel like expected behavior and at the same time it would make the experience less special.  It's important that we have "vanilla" evenings out as well.  But this is not a Blog about vanilla experiences.    A protocol night is special.  It is a night out where she devotes herself to her submission and a night where I am careful to keep my eyes and ears open as a dominant.  It is a kind of pre-scene foreplay because, when we do a protocol night, the scene that follows is always amazing!   Different kinksters will have different protocols and I will go over some of the ones

 On a few social media sites lately, I have seen questions come up about safe-words.   I honestly wish I didn't need to address this subject.  It would be great if anyone practicing kink did so with a full dedication to safety and consent.  Unfortunately, from some of the toxic stuff I have seen online, it seems clear that this is not the case.   On Twitter, on Reddit and on TikTok, It feels like there are more people with questions and concerns about safe-words, if they need them, when they should be used, when they should be honored.    I can answer all of that very quickly before we go on.  Yes, you need a safe-word, You should use them whenever you feel the need to, Your partner damn well better honor them!   Now that I have clearly stated my position on the subject, there are a few things I have seen come up and I would like to address each of them.   Safe words are for submissives WRONG! In a D/s relationship, the safe word is important to both the submissive and the Dominant

I was browsing a popular social media site and someone asked about scene-planning.  My answer got verbose, so I decided to make it a blog entry and link it for my reply.  I come from a theatre background, so, as a Dominant, I think of myself as the director and a session, is like a play.  I tend to plan sessions out broken into "Acts" each act is mentally outlined with a general idea of what I want to accomplish in that act before moving to the next.  This helps with pacing so that each act builds on the last so that the finale is the end result of everything that came before.  How Long?  A good scene does not always have to be a long scene, but it helps.  What kind of time do you have to work with where you will not be interrupted or walked in on?  Do you have the place to yourselves, or is noise going to be an issue?   What is owed.  When I begin planning for a session, I start by looking at what is owed.    As part of our daily dynamic, my submissive has a set of tasks tha